Thursday, November 29, 2007

First, I just want to say thanks, but I have to credit one of my favorite bloggers for really giving me the courage to really own my truths -- and if someone else can learn from what I'm going through, then I guess that's the real silver lining. It's just daunting trying to point out and recognize your own shortcomings.

I tell myself all the time, that it is a process. If I can keep myself from being on the next episode of Oprah featuring WLS post-ops with transference issues, that would be a good thing! :)

In the last 8 years of really dealing with my weight, I've been nothing short of tenacious. Yes, there are those cyclical times where I just had enough of what seemed like trying-for-nothing, only to find motivation in sometimes the smallest of things -- but at least it is found, and have always stood back up. Failure is not an option here.

As hoakie as it sounds, I know I just need to stay in that place in my head where I can actually believe that I care about myself as much as I might others. Self-loathing is not productive -- my perceived self-worth needs to be appropriate. And as one noter pointed out, I need to keep my own words in front of me; if it is good enough advice for a friend, it should be good enough for me.

I have to admit that since acknowledging I needed help via the WLS, things have not been the same with my Sister. Some of you might remember way back, when on a family vacation we were at odds with one another. I had yet to share my decision with my family because I had not been approved yet. When the vacation became a physical challenge to me, my attitude essentially went in the shitter, as did hers, and we were at odds non-stop throughout the family vacation; it was ruined.

When it all came out that it was my weight bothering me, and it was weight that was creating physical limitations for me, my Sister essentially felt I was using my weight as an excuse -- and told me so outright. She said that in all her life I always seemed happy... that she never felt like I felt less because I was/am obese.

I tried to explain that all my life I hid those feelings. I didn't want people to think I was physically limited, so I worked extra hard to beat their expectations. I didn't want to acknowledge just how big a problem my weight was, so I felt if I could keep going and wasn't limited, then there really wasn't a problem. In short, she thought it was a "crock" and we just agreed to disagree -- but it wasn't important for her to even try to understand it. I guess that still bothers me to some small degree.

Ever since July we've been disconnected. Any initiation of contact on my behalf feels un-natural, or I feel like she'll know it's forced. We really have nothing in common, except the same mother. We never really bonded as friends because when I left home she was just becoming old enough where we might have developed a friendship. Of course I love her and would die for her, but honestly, her friends and my Mom know her better than I do.

We talked once about really trying to have some kind of ongoing communication to maybe help develop our friendship, but it never took off. I called her a few times; she's so busy that she just doesn't have the time to call back. Admittedly, her life is somewhat frenzied, but I feel like if something is important enough, you make the time. That's what my Mom always said, and now she's even making excuses for my Sister. It's obvious that it is not important to my Sister, so I have to be careful not to let her lack of attentiveness to our relationship become a way to decrease my self-worth.

Ugh... enough of this stuff. Not sure where it came from, but it is good.

I think I'm going to try Yoga on Saturday morning. The idea of giving myself permission to have 60 minutes of peace sounds kinda nice. I've been meaning to do this for a while now :)

Early Morning (20 g. protein)
Venti NF Latte

Morning (16 g. protein)
6 oz. FF Fage Yogurt
1/2 C. Pumpkin
3 T. Granola

AM Snack (10 g. protein)
2% Cottage Cheese

Lunch (29 g. protein)
2 oz. Lean Ham
1 C. Raw Spinach
1/2 C. Diced Mozzarella
Balsamic Vinegar

PM Snack (10 g. protein)
2% Cottage Cheese

Dinner (24 g. protein)
2 pcs. Wasa Light Cracker Bread
2 C. Beef Vegetable Soup

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Today's Plan

After work, I'm off to the gym for strength training and cardio.

Early Morning (13 g. Protein)

2 oz. Boar's Head Turkey (no skin)

Breakfast: (28 g. Protein)
Venti Nonfat Latte
4 oz. Fage FF Yogurt
1/4 C. Pumpkin

AM Snack (10 g. Protein):
4 oz. 2% Cottage Cheese
1/2 Apple

Lunch (18 g. Protein):
1 c. Raw Spinach
1/2 C. Grape Tomatoes
1/2 C. Diced Mozzarella
Balsamic vinegar

PM Snack (5 g.. Protein):
2 Wasa Multi Grain Crackers
2 T. Whipped Cream Cheese

Dinner (5g. Protein)
Asian Chicken Breast w/Broccoli

Monday, November 26, 2007

Time for Some Truth

I have been struggling some lately, and I need to come clean.

I have noticed some possible transferrence issues. They all seem to revolve around the fact that I haven't lost a large number of pounds... in fact, it's hitting me harder than I care to admit - but I have to, before it turns into something worse.

So here's the deal. When the scale doesn't drop, the one way I found to make me feel good (since I can't eat!) is to buy new clothing. In the last three months, when I've been feeling most down about my perceived lack of achievement, and have spent waaaay more than I should have. It all came to light reviewing our family budget -- in fact I didn't even realize it. It was hard to see in black and white; there was no denying it.

Now it's not like our house is going into foreclosure or our cars repossesd, but I've probably spent more than $2K in the last 3 to 4 months -- that's not good.

The good thing is that I see it, and I've identified the problem and am committed to fixing it.

I have my 1 year labs to tend to and I don't want to do it. I still can't believe that after 1 year I've dropped 90 lbs, compared to my peers who are more than 150+ down in most cases. I know that going from a 26 to a 14/16 should make me happy (and it does, but apparently not enough). The fact that I've been able to maintain muscle and lost only 1.5 lbs of it post-op is an achievement too -- but it's obviously it's not satiating my desire for acheivement.

I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I sometimes wish I didn't workout to the degree that I did, and maybe it was a mistake to go gung-ho so soon. Maybe I should have been stripped of the pounds first and then tended to the muscle improvement -- at least then I wouldn't have felt like I re-routed my plumbing for nothing.

I just can't believe that the same thing that was happening to me pre-op is happening post-op. Who has surgery and doesn't lose 100 lbs. in the first year if they're over 300 lbs. to start?

My hospital's dietician seems to think I don't eat enouhg to fuel my activity; this is the same problem I had pre-op, when I was exercising intensely at 300+ lbs.

Logic does set in. I know that I'm healthier than I've ever been and that getting thin is just a side-affect. I know that the changes I have made in my life are permanent. I know that I'm living life with more vitality than ever. I am ever so thankful for those things and feel blessed.

Even in light of these achievements, there is a cloud over all of it.

There is so much of my future tied-in to my success with this tool and my fitness. I really feel inside that what I'm passionate about is teaching others to be fit -- I could never do it though, until I succeed myself. Ugh -- gets so frustrating when I think about it.

In any case I'm not looking for solutions from anyone -- I know what I need to do. I'm just exercising my right to be honest and open... that's a start.

On Family...

Our "Black Friday" was spent at the Christmas tree Farm...
47 degrees in Houston actually made it good tree huntin' weather! :)
Cassie having some fun hiding in the trees...

Me and Daddy on Thanksgiving...

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Sophie So Divine

One of my best friends became a Mom for the first-time! After many years of trying to have a baby, she was blessed with the arrival of....

Sophia Danielle
6 lbs., 10 oz.
18.25" long

Mom and baby are doing wonderfully!

Thursday, November 15, 2007

A Year Ago

I can't believe how the time has just flown.

This time last year I was laying on in the hospital, getting ready to say "night-night" for my 8am surgery to begin.

Later today, will be 1 year since I took the first steps out of my hospital bed and put myself on the path to better health. At the same time, one year later, I'll be enjoying a Turkey Day party at my Daughter's daycare, because I won't be secretly embarrassed to be seen by the other parents.

I have my health back, better self-esteem and am able to live my life more closely to how I've always envisioned I should be living it. To no longer be plagued by pain, physical challenges, needing to use the C-Pap or being Diabetic, is plenty enough to be thankful for.

Never mind mentioning (but I will anyway) that I no longer have to pretend with everyone my weight didn't bother or limit me. And while I am an over-achiever by nature (because I always had to work harder to prove myself in light of my obesity), I can still strive for excellence in all that I do, but I not feel like I have to prove myself over, and over, and over again. Initially derived perceptions of me are no longer quite as negative since people no longer see a 347 pound woman.

As much as I have gained from losing, there is still work to be done. I need to work on the head issues and self-esteem issues. I need to remember that my while my weight/body doesn't define who I am, I do deserve to take care of me in the way I take care of those I love.

This will all come one step-at-a-time -- just like the first steps from the recovery bed. It is all necessary for long-term success.

Thanks also to those who support and encourage all of us to be better than we already are.

"There is a voice inside which speaks and says:
"This is the real me!"

William James - (1842-1910) American philosopher and psychologist

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

2nd day of Life at 40 :)

Clearly, my co-workers had very little to do while I was out... I arrived this morning to find this on my office window and door....

Vegas Baby!

Vegas was great. The Canyon Ranch spa was ridiculously overpriced, but every second was worth it. It was nice to be pampered. Here are just a few pictures from the trip.

Beth, Jenn and Me at Tao, Las Vegas
View of Tao from Mezzanine
(check out the size of it, relative to the people eating around it)

Uh, here we are again... still at Tao

Just me...

Happy Halloween!

"I'm hot... you're not."
Introducing the "Prison Princess"
(who is named after a a city in Frnace and a large hotel chain)

We had a costume day in celebration of Halloween. Please note my details: "diamond" Chanel earrings, super-swank-bling-bling sunglasses, and the obligatory doggie-in-a-purse. Oh! and my un-designer prison jumpsuit. :)