What were you like as a first time mom?
So Amy over at Mom's Toolbox asked her readers to participate and share what it was like to be a first time Mom. She shared it wasn't the most natural of transitions for her, which you (or at least I) rarely hear. Mom's don't like to admit experiencing that challenge, so often it goes unspoken. Needless to say I was pleasantly comforted, because there were times when I felt maybe Mommyhood wasn't for me. Thankfully that mindset has changed. :)
It took me a long time to get attached to my pregnancy. I miscarried in my early 20's and always felt badly about it. Early on it was guilt I felt, like I had done something wrong, but of course I know better now. I think I carried a lot of fear with me too, which kept me distant from that miracle inside my belly.
Anyway, it took me a long time to bond during my pregnancy. I mean, I did all the things new Mom's do with their baby in their baby while in the belly; read to her, play her music, listened to womb sounds, etc. I'd say that once I was about 7 months in I finally relaxed and enjoyed it. Keep in mind too that I was over 35 and considered a high risk pregnancy. I was also and Insulin dependent gestational diabetic and was about 250 lbs. when I got pregnant. Every time I went to the doctor brought up something else to "worry" about so it was hard to keep upbeat!
I had to have a c-section, but I can remember as clear as yesterday walking through the parking lot of the hospital at 5am with my Mom and Husband. I can't even explain how I felt, because I think it was a little of everything, and to the extreme!
Cassie came and I was happy. Seriously... I couldn't even fathom the warmth and love I would feel after she was here. See, I wasn't the most maternal to begin with. Even people at work were remarkably surprised by the "change" they saw in me. I became far more patient and, I guess, more maternal.
Since I got pregnant later than a lot of my friends, I had their experiences to draw on. I took what we approved of and between my Husband and I decided how to approach things. We really are good together when it comes to communicating how we want to address raising our child, and I'm grateful for that. It was nice to grow in that way together.
We were scared at about 4 months old when we were told she might have a form of brain Cancer called Neuroblastoma. She has Anisicoria, which is when 1 pupil is more responsive than the other. In her case they felt that the Anisicoria was either a symptom of this Cancer, or a harmless birth defect. After a few days of testing at UTMB's pediatric oncology unit, we found she was "clear". It was horrible to go through that, and I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I felt like it was "payback" for whatever it was I had not done right in my early 20's pregnancy. You just momentarily lose all sense of reason and faith when your child's life could be threatened with a fatal illness.
They say you see yourself in your child's eyes, and I totally do. I look at her and see both me and Darren. I see how easily she reflects what we do, so it makes us want to strive to be everything she thinks we are.
In the end, my Daughter makes me a better person everyday. Having her changed me in countless (good) ways. :)
Here's little video I had made celebrating Cassie's "Birth Day". Warning, there is footage of her delivery, via c-section... no blood, "privates", or ick shown. Just giving fair warning. LOL