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Wednesday, February 04, 2015

Living Your Truth. Owning Your Story.


Yep... things are changing here in this blogspace.  My journey to completing my Ironman is going to take way more than just training hours over the next 22 months.  My blog is going to be my way of working through the obstacles ahead. From here on out, I'm writing for me, for others with similar experiences. 

So, in the name of being completely honest and owning my story, one of the things that completely turned my world upside down was the open admission of some things that happened in my childhood.

As a teenager,  I was molested on several occasions -- by someone I knew.  Someone I trusted.

I can hardly believe I typed it. Whew.


This is my story.  My truth. There is no shame in it.  I was a victim them, but not now.  I share it not for a reader to feel pity, but in the hopes that maybe this story and my forthcoming journey, will help someone else.

With that said, it doesn't take rocket science to understand, now, why I have  had such struggles with weight and feeling insecure.

The secret broke last March, and since then, it has felt like I am reliving the emotional turmoil in my head. My Mom was devastated by that I kept this secret for over 30 years. She feels terrible amounts of guilt. She feels badly that I didn't feel I could tell her; I felt so much shame.

I can't imagine her pain as a Mother.
She can't imagine mine as a Daughter.
:(

I wish I could say I felt so much self love and compassion that I was moved to bring the truth to light.  Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on how you look at it, it was the thought of being able to protect my Daughter.  That's what gave me the strength, gave me a reason, to open this box that was so tightly closed for over 30 years.  She was worth the risk. She was worth being vulnerable.

I think my training for IMFL kept away most of the damage in the form of weight gain at bay, but once I stopped training I quickly, and I mean QUICKLY put weight on... 20 lbs. since November 1st. That's why I had to call on Big Fred, my old trainer.  I knew I needed more than just a schedule to get to the gym on my own, at least for a while, until I could rebuild and re-establish my good habits and feel healthy again.  When I'm feeling healthy, I am very self-motivated.  Right now I feel like a slug.

Big Fred knows my history.  He knows I had RNY and he trained me both before and immediately after.  I've already owned my story with him, which sounds crazy, but makes my sessions with him all the more "therapeutic."  Smash balls are extremely therapeutic... just sayin' :)

Now that I'm lifting and eating better, the next step is to hit the pool with routine.  I'm the swimmer for 2 relays, Glaveston 70.3 and Kemah Olympic.

My journey back to IMFL will be very different this time around and will really be about getting to that start line healthy, both mentally and physically.  Race day will be the celebration I deserved to have to begin with. 


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